Corporate-speak, or: How to kill employee morale
The company I work for is currently undergoing the difficult process of layoffs. Because of the downswing in the economy, and the nature of our primary product, it’s been rough times financially and the decision was made to cut back on the number of employees across the organization. As a result, the last two months have been some sort of surreal adaptation of Office Space in the real world.
The whole process has been a mess. They announced several months ago that they’d be laying off a few hundred people, but then proceeded to do almost nothing for weeks. Any communications were along the lines of “you’re probably pretty safe, but you may not want to decorate your cube much more than it already is.” A little over a week ago, a company-wide e-mail went out, stating that while they don’t have any updates, they’ll tell us more later. Thanks. That’s helpful. Should I dust off my resumé?
What I find most amusing about the whole thing is the ridiculous amount of corporate-speak that gets bandied about. It’s amazing to me just how bizarre some of these people make themselves sound when they come up with these terms and use them, as though no simpler and more straightforward alternatives were available.
This isn’t a period of layoffs, it’s a “workforce reduction program.” We’re reducing the workforce, see? By laying people off. Apparently the word “layoff” must scare people, but “workforce reduction” is perfectly safe. You’re not being laid off, you’re just being reduced – wait, isn’t that worse?
Fortunately, my team isn’t affected by the layoffs, but we may still have to work with those who are “impacted.” You’re not being dropped like a bad habit, you’re just impacted. Cheer up!
My favorite: “rightsizing.” So we’re apparently wrong-sized to begin with? What if we get rid of too many people? Then we’ll be wrong-sized again? Will we have to rightsize again at that point to undo the previous right-sizing, which turned out to be wrong-sizing anyway? I think it would be better if they’d just say it like they mean it: they’re trimming off the dead weight. Sorry, you perform no useful functions for us. Here’s your box, start packing your desk. Maybe you shouldn’t have brought in that extra little bauble to set on your shelf. Only one box for you.
Meh. I’m not even “impacted” by all this, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s just ridiculous to me how badly corporations tend to handle things like layoffs. When your CEO reports several million dollars in income, but then announces that the company is losing money and a few hundred people need to go, that’s not a great way to boost morale.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Not you anymore.