escape to insanity

According to the What's Your Spiritual Type quiz, I'm a “Spiritual Straddler.”

You scored 57, on a scale of 25 to 100. Here's how to interpret your score:

25 - 29

Hardcore Skeptic — but interested or you wouldn't be here!

30 - 39

Spiritual Dabbler — Open to spiritual matters but far from impressed

40 - 49

Active Spiritual Seeker — Spiritual but turned off by organized religion

50 - 59

Spiritual Straddler — One foot in traditional religion, one foot in free-form spirituality

60 - 69

Old-fashioned Seeker — Happy with my religion but searching for the right expression of it

70 - 79

Questioning Believer — You have doubts about the particulars but not the Big Stuff

80 - 89

Confident Believer — You have little doubt you've found the right path

90 - 100

Candidate for Clergy

I thought it was an interesting set of questions on a range of religion/spirituality-related topics; overall I'd say the result is probably pretty accurate. I'd have actually pegged myself somewhere in the upper forties according to their scale, but whatever.

What's your Spiritual Score?

I was going to hold off on this until I could summon enough content to make an appropriately-sized list, but decided I didn't have the time or interest to go further than I already scraped together, so this is what you get. Don't like it? Tough on you.

Alright, enough of that intro stuff. No one really cares anyway, right? Right. So, without further ado, here's my list of top four stories in the Bible that I just plain don't understand. I'll operate under the premise you're not intimately familiar with each story, and try to provide some sort of synopsis.

Giving Away Your Unborn Kid

Plot synopsis: Woman named Hannah for some reason can't have a kid. (sorry… that should read “the LORD closed her womb.” Because, you know, it was His fault.) She prays to God for a kid and makes a promise if He comes through.

¹⁰ In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. ¹¹ And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

…

²⁷ I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. ²⁸ So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.” And he worshiped the LORD there.

- I Samuel 1:10-11,27-28

I understand that she was upset because she couldn't have any kids. In that era, you were basically a failure if you hadn't churned out about a dozen kids by the time you were 14. Kinda rough time to be a woman, I guess. In any case, I can understand that she prayed to God for a child. What I don't get is her promise to turn him over to the church in return. That seems unfair to the kid, and he hasn't even been born yet.

“Welcome to the world! Oh by the way I hope you'll like the church, because you're going to be serving there for the rest of your life. Enjoy!” Something to that effect? Let me know if I'm getting warm here. I just can't get behind a story like this, when it's basically selling an unborn child into slavery. Sure, it's the church, it's for God, it's not really slavery, is it Tom?

Except it really is. The child, whose name turned out to be Samuel by the way, was sworn to be a servant of the church long before he had any choice in the matter. Does God really want a servant who didn't choose that life? I can't imagine that's the way it's supposed to be.

Lot's Wife

Plot synopsis: Abraham's nephew Lot has gone to live in a faraway city named Sodom. (of Sodom and Gomorrah fame) God comes to Abraham and tells him that He's planning on wiping these two cities off the map, because the people that live there are so evil he has no choice. Abraham manages to haggle with The Big Guy, and gets Him to agree not to do the whole fire and brimstone thing if there are just ten people (read: ten men) in the whole city who God finds righteous.

So… God does his audit, and go figure, no ten such people are found. So He sends angels to get Lot and his family out of the city before things start to heat up. The family is warned not to look back at the city once God has started to destroy it, and sent running into the hills.

¹⁷ As soon as they had brought them out, one of them said, “Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!”

…

²³ By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land. ²⁴ Then the LORD rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the LORD out of the heavens. ²⁵ Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. ²⁶ But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

- Genesis 19:17,23-26

So that's the story. What I don't understand is that last bit, verse 26. His wife was turned into a pillar of salt because she stopped to look back at the city burning. That seems a bit harsh, no?

I understand that God's command was to not look back, but… c'mon. She wanted to see fire and brimstone raining down from the sky annihilating the city. That's not something you get to see every day. Most sermons I've heard about this say she turned around because she wanted to go back to the cities and resume her life of sin, but… I don't know if I buy that entirely. If it were me, and there was literally fire pouring out of the sky onto the city behind me, I think I'd need to see that.

Just seems a bit over-the-top to make her into a salt statue for the local deer.

Bury My Father

Plot synopsis: Jesus is walking along, and like any good groupies, people come up alongside and profess their love for him and his teachings, and want to follow him wherever he goes. He tells them there are apparently some ground rules for getting into this particular club.

⁵⁹ He said to another man, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” ⁶⁰ Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”

⁶¹ Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family.” ⁶² Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

- Luke 9:59-62

Wow. Where to begin with this one. These two guys come up and tell Jesus that they want to follow him, and he blatantly tells them, “Nope! Denied.” Why? Were they evil misfits unsuited for the rewards to be reaped by following him? No such thing. One wanted to go bury his late father, and one wanted to say goodbye to his family before embarking on a trip to Jesus-knew-where.

Apparently that's sufficient reason to be denied access to the fan club. My pastor claims this was symbolic for wanting to go back to their old lives and resume their old habits instead, or something to that effect. I think it's exactly what it says. I think these guys wanted to go tie up their old lives and finish things off first.

You know, the little things. Like burying your deceased father and saying au revoir to the rest of the fam. You know, who would want to do that? Be respectful to your earthly family? Noooooooooooo. Certainly that's not allowed.

Bald Man's Revenge

Plot synopsis: Elisha (he's a guy, contrary to the misleading name) is the protégé of über prophet Elijah. He's just received a double-scoop portion of whatever power Elijah had, since Elijah just got swept up into heaven on a flaming chariot. Way to make an exit! In any case, Elisha is walking back into town, when he has an encounter (cue dramatic music):

²³ From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” ²⁴ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. ²⁵ And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria.

- II Kings 2:23-25

So let's get this straight. He just had this amazingly powerful encounter where he got a double-dip into the Almighty power, and then he's walking along and gets harassed by some kids. Now, I'm sure it was more than just some name-calling like they make it sound, but still. Unless they were stoning him, I can't see why he would need to curse them with bears. Bears? C'mon now. Why not killer bees or flying horses? That's scary stuff. So they called him 'baldy' and he had them killed. I can't imagine what this guy would have been like in middle school.

Maybe it's just me, but… sounds like someone could use some anger management classes. Preferably not the sort led by Jack Nicholson, but still. Might be a good investment, or a good court order.

Photo by tlianza. License: Creative Commons Attribution.

I ran out of headings.

Yeah, that's all the stories I had. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't go for the full seven, seeing as this turned out to be fairly lengthy. But… I just don't get these. I'm sure there were more stories I've read over the years that just made no sense whatsoever to me, but these were the ones that popped out specifically. Anyone want to share their immense wisdom with me and explain any of these to me?

Saw this quote online today, thought it was strangely accurate:

I believe in God, but organized religion reminds me of a cult.

- Anonymous

I might try to write more on this later when I get a chance and when it's not one o'clock in the AM.