escape to insanity

This is what happens when Sami and I talk. Absurd conversations about Monopoly and Nike-knockoffs. And yet… these are the best sorts of conversations.

edited lightly to make it easier to read:

Sami: Other pieces from the monopoly game include McDonalds fries, Moterola Cell Phone, Laptop, Laboradoodle, Jetplane, hybrid car, starbucks coffee cup
me: times have changed since i owned a monopoly board, apparently
me: i don't see “Iron” in that list… is this 'consumer whore monopoly' ?
Sami: Here and Now monopoly
me: same thing.
Sami: they actually had a vote thing online for cities on the board. Cities rallied to get their city on the damn thing. Minneapolis has a blue square or some sh*t
me: hahahahaha
Sami: I just thought it was funny that they put “Mall of America: Minneapolis St.Paul” .. The MoA is in Burnsville…
Sami: The cities that will be represented on the board include the following:
New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Boston, Washington D.C., Dallas, Atlanta, Seattle, Phoenix, Minneapolis / St. Paul, Miami, Denver, Houston, Cleveland, St. Louis, Orlando, New Orleans, Las Vegas, Honolulu, Nashville
me: nashville? no one wants to own nashville.
me: and i'm surprised they only included one starbucks cup. you need at least three per square

Sami: HAHAHAHAH! The French Quarter in New Orleans is in the new monopoly! The Property value is at $2,600,000. Obviously this game was made before katrina…
me: hahahaha
me: now it's the 'go to jail' square
me: or the “you forfeit all your property and have to move your piece to someone else's property indefinitely” community card
Sami: Yeah, instead of houses, you get driftwood. And for the hotels, you get blow up rafts
me: the bank gives you some money to help, but most of it goes to the people who already own the bulk of the other properties

Sami: Nashville is “Grand Ole Opry” worth $1,000,000. Light Blue square. In it's neighborhood are the Gateway Arch, St. Louis and MoA, Minneapolis.
me: MoA?
me: ohhh… got it
Sami: St. Louis, Minneapolis and Nashville. Apparently the Lt. Blue squares are the Ghetto, the South and the Barrio.
me: something like that. are those properties rent-controlled?
Sami: I don't believe so, but if you end up owning them, you have to change your board piece to a cockroach, a barretta or a bill for child support.
me: those are the spaces you try to sell right after getting them, but no one else will take them
Sami: and by the end of the game your daughter is knocked up or you have a bulletwound.
me: does ghetto monopoly have switchblades as pieces?
Sami: And you have to go to the pawn shop to re-acquire all your property
Sami: HAH!
me: or do they stick to regular pieces? the kind you tuck in the back of your belt?
Sami: I think the pieces include a switchblade, but they also have more creative ones.
Sami: The razorblade, the barretta, the syringe, the 'fatty'…
Sami: and the 'bling bling' which actually comes cast in sterling silver instead of pewter
me: and the pieces no doubt have spinner rims
me: or, alternately, grills
Sami: Oh hell yes, brudduh
Sami: Diem says there's an el dorado or el camino with 24″ spinners, too.
Sami: you think that in ghetto monopoly, the el camino has hydrolics?

Sami: “You skipped out on your child support, Go Directly to Jail” and the GO square is now “The border”
me: probably. the jail square is about half the size of the board, but everyone keeps getting stuck there anyway
Sami: Free Parking is “Collect 200 dollars for mowing grass”
Sami: “Nobody ever really wins, you just do a little bit better each time”
me: nobody ever wins, you just hope to make it around the board once or twice without getting mugged
Sami: And instead of the banker, there's the “loan shark” or “mob”

Sami: We could actually make a game like this and just call it Ghetto-Opoly. Imagine how popular it'd be.
me: license it to whoever makes regular monopolies
Sami: Everytime you mortgage a property, someone has to beat the sh*t out of you.

Sami: sh*t, I forgot about the nike shoe piece… damn
me: oh, that's not nike
me: that's new balance
me: hahahahahahaha
Sami: Oh damn you know what it is!
me: even better… i had a pair of those
Sami: HAHAHAHAHAHAH *Dies*
Sami: You whore
me: nikes have the swish, new balance has a giant N
me: which at first everyone thinks is for nike. but NOT.
Sami: I repeat. You whore.
me: they're dirt cheap
me: in my defense, they were my work shoes
me: when i was working at the gymnastics place.
Sami: thanks to hundreds of little polynesian kids.
me: exactly
me: 3 cents a day? the claymation dude wants to put an end to that labor.

Sami: Ahhh… well then, You can pass The Border and Collect $2
me: i wonder if there's a moat around the ghetto board.
me: and a mini-fence
Sami: Electrified.
me: but it's only part-way around the board
Sami: Razorwire
me: and minutemen with rifles.
Sami: There's a giant Home Depot in the board. If you're playing as anything Mexi-related, if you land on it, you get $20 for tiling someone's bathroom if you roll an odd number, but roll an even number and you get deported

me: also, if you roll odd numbers, you have to pay the bum who just washed your window with dirty newspaper
Sami: And just hope that it's mud and not because he washed you window with his 'wiping hand'
me: …thanks for that mental image
me: i shall cherish it for as few seconds as possible
Sami: “Turn off the windshield wipers, they don't work, it's just making it worse…”

Ahhh yes. Good stuff.

Disclaimer: any product brand names or anything of the sort are probably trademarked, or copyrighted, or copylefted, or whatever the applicable term might be in their particular case. Don't sue me for anything.