escape to insanity

Advertising. It’s a staple of modern media — television, radio, billboards, and more recently the Internet. There are companies dedicated to producing ads for other companies, more companies dedicated to testing the ads produced by the former companies, other companies dedicated to distributing ads, and the chain goes on. It’s a huge force in the economy, and it doesn’t really matter what economy you’re talking about.

But not all ads are created alike. There are some fantastic ads, and there are some equally horrific ads. We’ve seen our share of both. I’m stuck in the car for several hours a day commuting to work, so I naturally listen to the radio. I could listen to my iPod, but meh. Details. Of course, being stuck in the car for so long each day, I get more than a healthy dose of bad advertising. So what better to do than to rant about it?

Ovaltine

Ahh, Ovaltine. This hot chocolate drink product is stretching my patience with ads. Every single ad takes the same approach — two mothers sitting around in the kitchen, waiting for their kids to get home from whatever they’re doing (currently the kids seem to be sledding). Naturally, the mothers decide to make their kids “rich chocolatey Ovaltine Hot!” for when they get home. Because, you know, we can predict with certainty when the kids will be done sledding, or at least within a five-minute window. Because hot chocolate — I’m sorry, Ovaltine — really only has a five-minute span of time before it’s just lukewarm chocolate milk.

What’s worse is the stupid “conversational” tone these ads try to take. I’m sorry… how many parents sit around their kitchens pitching the merits of their chocolate milk? Not too many, I’d guess.

“Oh, you make Ovaltine with milk?”
“Yes, it’s sooooooo creamy that way!”

Right. And how many people use the full product name in regular conversation? “Who wants some rich chocolatey Ovaltine Hot?” Not too many people. Oh that’s right, no one. Come to think of it, pretty much any dialogue-y commercials are pretty bad. Whenw as the last time you were talking to a friend about something, and you felt the need to give them the full address, phone number, fax numbers, toll-free numbers, and brochure information of the place you were talking about? I don’t care how much you like your mechanic’s service, chances are you don’t regularly discuss his fax number.

IWantMyFreeLaptop.com. That’s IWantMyFreeLaptop.com

I understand that repetition is key to remembering something. The more times you hear or see something, the more likely you are to remember it. It’s why teachers make kids write “I will not kick Suzy” 100 times on the blackboard. (Do teachers still do that?) I understand that the goal of advertisements is to get me to remember your brand, and ideally give you my hard-earned money. But this is not the way to do it. This particular company/website claims that they’ll send you a brand new laptop “upon completion of all paid program requirements.” Fine, fine, whatever. I’ve seen these schemes before. Complete these thirty different programs, most of which you have to pay for and sell your first-born child into slavery for, all while divulging the email addresses of 400 of your closest friends, and we’ll send you a trinket.

What sets these people apart is their attempt to drive their website name into your head by just stating it over and over again. By the end of the commercial, you’ve heard the website URL at least fifteen times, and that’s not an exaggeration. The last thing you hear is “Just go to IWantMyFreeLaptop dot com. That’s IWantMyFreeLaptop dot com. IWantMyFreeLaptop dot com. IWantMyFreeLaptop dot com.” Four times in a row? Seriously? Is that necessary? I’m not even going to make that a clickable link for you.

Any get-out-of-debt-quick commercial ever created

These are a disaster. There are at least four different debt-relief commercials currently in rotation on my preferred radio station, and a few more on the other stations I frequent. You’ve heard them:

“get out of debt fast! don’t consolidate your debt, eliminate it! you can get that new car you’ve always wanted!”

Um… here’s a get-out-of-debt solution for you: stop buying stuff you can’t afford. You can’t afford that new Mercedes, trust me. Don’t buy it. Don’t rack up huge credit card bills and then proceed to pay only the minimum payment each month. “Good credit, bad credit, no credit? No Problem!” No, problem. This is why people are in such major debt to begin with.

Gah. I can’t go on. What commercials grind your gears?