What's the point of marriage?
Help me understand something. Marriage is one of the oldest institutions on the planet. It's a subject that has sparked many a debate, especially in the last few years with the various proposals to “protect” marriage as an institution from being “taken over” and sullied by homosexuals wishing to wed their partners. What I don't understand is this: what exactly is the point of marriage?
Once upon a time, marriage was viewed as a holy thing, a gift to men and women from God Himself, a union that was to be honored and revered. Little was more sacred than the institution of marriage. If you need any proof of the holiness that marriage is associated with, look no further than the Bible itself — there are several references to marriage as a sacrament, commandments as to how marriages are to be conducted, specific rules on what to do or not to do, et cetera. The church (as well as the “Holy City” of Heaven) is even referred to several times as the Bride of Christ.
For many years, the established Church held an all-out ban on divorce — I believe the Catholic Church still holds this ban. The Church of England was established in part as a way for King Henry VIII to evade this ban. The point is that for most of history, marriage was held in the highest regard. It's been protected and defended. What I don't understand is why. I don't understand the purpose of marriage; why is it so highly esteemed and protected? At one time, marriage was seen as a union that lasted from the moment you said “I do” until death do you part. There was the idea that it was a lifelong commitment, something that would bind you to this other individual as a single entity for the rest of your natural lives. That doesn't really apply anymore. Divorce is easy enough now that the “until death do us part” portion of wedding vows is practically meaningless. If you need proof of that, just ask Britney Spears about her 55-hour marriage.
Of course, marriage carries with it some priveleges, bestowed by the government almost as a sort of reward. Not being married myself, I had to look up just what these priveleges might be. What sort of things does the government hand out to married persons that we singles are not entitled to? PFLAG.org has a good list of “Rights, Priveledges [sic] and Benefits of Marriage.” There's a few pages on About.com (oddly enough, in the Lesbian Life section) on the “Legal Benefits of Marriage.” From my skimming of these and other lists, most of the benefits are monetary incentives — death benefits, specific tax breaks, property rights, even tuition waivers. Some of the benefits relate to civil rights like spousal immigration and post-mortem examinations. Some deal with child custody and the like. If you read the lists carefully, you'll notice that several of the benefits of marriage are specifically for after the marriage has ended — either by death or… cancellation. There's even a page which suggests that marriage may have positive health benefits as opposed to cohabitation, as well as somehow preventing unplanned pregnancies. (Not sure how that works, other than maybe having less sex leads to less chances for pregnancy.)
So help me understand something. What's the point of marriage?
It's been my observation that many marriages grow cold and stale after just a few years. Not to say that the two people don't still love each other, but the interest has simply waned over the years of being together with the same person every day. It's a long-running joke (likely based on some kernel of truth) that married couples have far less sex than unmarried couples. I wonder what the Church would say about that, with their stance that extra-marital sexual relations are immoral. Unmarried, open-relationship couples are free to do more or less as they wish without necessarily being tied down, bound to one particular relationship.
The prevalence and relative ease of divorce has rendered meaningless the argument that marriage is a lifelong union between two people. With child custody cases and laws, the argument that children need to be with both a father and mother all the time is next to useless. I know plenty of people who were brought up in single parent homes and turned out just fine. Other than a few monetary benefits like tax breaks, I see no advantage to marriage over cohabitation. With cohabitation, there's no expensive wedding, no formal binding contract. There's no difference between heterosexual and homosexual partners, no debate over the sanctity of cohabitation, no protests. No laws or amendments seeking to ban the choice to live together.
In the interest of full disclosure, let me mention a few things. I'm a single heterosexual male in my twenties, never married and thus never divorced. I would describe myself as Christian, though that's not to say that I agree completely with all of the teachings of my faith of choice. My parents have been happily married for over thirty years. My brother is happily married; my sister recently got engaged, and I'm happy for her. That all said, I still don't understand the reason for it. Personally, I don't know what my stance on marriage is. I imagine at some point, if I find the right person, I'll eventually get married, but I don't know the reason why.
I don't know if I've laid out my question as clearly as I could have. My point through all of this was to simply question the point of this institution hailed as being so holy and sacred that our President (and a good portion of the country with him) would go so far as to propose an amendment to the Constitution that would ban homosexuals from marrying. Other than a public declaration of a couple's commitment to each other, what exactly is the purpose of marriage?
I've also posted this to my Newsvine column, if you happen to be a member over there.
Phil Jefferson said,
February 10, 2007, 9:10 pm
I'm not one of OSC's biggest fans*, but that passage stuck with me, and it's the best answer I can give you.
-mike. said,
February 13, 2007, 8:03 pm
in my humble opinion
in pure actuality… there is no real point. the feelings you dirive from a companion should be no different no matter what “bind” you put on it. though to me marrage is a way for two true and honest people to show that deapest commentment to each other, and all others who witness, that indeed they are only for each other. and that is a wonderful thing.
science would tell you, you're here until you die and that's the end of it… so really… as long as the life you live makes you happy, and is fullfilling… than it doesn't matter how that is achived.. who is there aside yourself to say you're wrong if there is nothing else after this.
faith would tell you there is a high purpose and love in the universe that asends blessings to those who keep His house holy. so in fullfilling, and holding the sanctity of marrage you are then blessed in that unity, and it will be a bond that will help you though life. it's believed by all the faiths that I know of, that when you do God's will you get his blessings… which being believed as all powerful… I'm betting there are some pretty good blessing to be given out.
there is also a faith which joins couples for “time and all eternaty” not just death do you part. which to me sounds like a real cool thing… and it would also demonstrate a high perpose to marrage.
I'm not sure which of these are true… so I personaly live my life by all of it is true. which isn't possible by man's terms… but if God is a perfect all incompasing being as we are made to believe… then I think it is the only answer. use your mind to think, and your heart to feel… when they both hit the same answer.. it's like a spark… and then you'll have any answer you may need.
so you just have to ask yourself. is it the big bang, with a start and an end, and just electric impulses inbetween… or do you feel there is some greater glory to earn?
Barbara (Xerraire) said,
February 15, 2007, 9:28 am
This is Why:
Genesis 2:
22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honourable in all
Ephesians 5:28
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Ephesians 5:31
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
Ephesians 5:33
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
That verse from Peter seems to mean there is a special blessing attached.
But like I said in my own blog for Valentines Day.
It needs to be done right. Too many of us 'fall' in love and go with feeings only. I think that is why marriages are in trouble.
You are so right to be curious and perhaps cynical. But I do believe God made it for our own goods. We just need to heed his word and do it right.
:)
Tigerblade said,
February 15, 2007, 10:23 am
Mike… interesting set of responses, but you ended on quite a cryptic note. What then is your overall stance on marriage as an institution? Or let me phrase it this way — do you plan to get married at some point (if you find the right girl, that is)?
Xerraire… I understand the Bible's stance on marriage, but my question is why? Marriage has little real meaning anymore, which is why I'm curious as to the point of it. I know it's brought up as part of the Eden story, but back then I don't imagine it was the spectacle that it is today. What is the need for a formal label?
Barbara (Xerraire) said,
February 15, 2007, 5:54 pm
Well the answer “Because God Says so” isn't good enough, I can't help you figure it out more than that.
If HE is GOD and instituted marriage, commitment, and sure had a lot of rules for fidelity, He must know what He's doing. I wouldn't consider even doubting it. Since sex outside of marriage is wrong, then I have to refer to the Bible again, 'Better to marry than to burn.”
You give the impression that you are under the belief that God's rules change with the times, and they don't.
Again, if you enter into it RIGHT, it can be such an amazing thing.
One day, when you truly meet a woman, and you love her and she loves you, I think then you might understand the idea of commitment and needing that security of a formal promise. (Of course these days, we have diluted that “security”, we dispose of marriage easy, like we dispose of everything else.)
Tigerblade said,
February 15, 2007, 7:11 pm
Xerraire — then I have another question for you.
They don't change at all? That's the part I'm not sure I'm ready to accept. Allow me to quote part of another discussion I was in recently: (note, these are not my words - I'm just quoting it)
Now you could argue that not all of those are truly God's laws, and that those were created by men. The moment you do so, you have to admit that you can't take everything in the Bible at face value. If you do maintain that these laws don't change with time, then I have to get going – there's a lot of people I have to stone, and I gotta get started. You see my point? I'm not saying that God is necessarily wrong, but I don't think we can still hold onto everything listed as a “law” in the Bible.
I'll give you a set of laws that I believe do not change with time. There's ten of them, and they're usually referred to as “commandments.” Those, I'll allow as timeless laws from God. The rest, not so much. In those ten laws, I see nothing about marriage, or even fidelity for that matter.
I just don't see the need for the label, for the formality of it. If you want to make a statement to the public that you're committed to this other person, then go for it – send out a letter. As you said, we've made marriage such a disposable thing that there's practically no real value left in it. I've heard people make bets as to how long so-and-so's marriage will last. Never in those conversations have I ever heard someone submit “til death” as an option.
Barbara (Xerraire) said,
February 16, 2007, 7:16 pm
Old Testament was Law, and then Jesus came to fulfill that law. And it's a good thing we don't have to live by the law anymore. Leviticus alone would take forever to go by. I figure people hardly had time to sin, making sure of each item.
Commitment to God and to the spouse you choose gets a label, we call it marriage. If you know your bible you also will know that weddings seemed to be treated like real big deals.
Again, I wouldn't go by this world's lowering the standards, and for one thing, if they have entered into such a commitment lightly, they have already started off wrong.
Go by God's standards. You know you can't go wrong there.
surya said,
March 22, 2007, 9:07 am
Hi All,
This is surya.
This site is having great information about the Marriage is one of the oldest institutions on the planet. It's a subject that has sparked many a debate, especially in the last few years with the various proposals to “protect” marriage as an institution from being “taken over”.
James said,
February 3, 2008, 11:59 am
The incentives for marriage have largely desinigrated over time. The problem is that no-fault divorce has removed the enforcement of commitment from marriage. No contemporary man under modern circumstances in his right mind would enter into today's marriage without being made instant heir to a large fortune in so doing.
In the pre-modern world, women were like chattle. In may places, they couldn't own land. Almost everywhere, they had no political power. Most professions required degrees of strength and stamina women were deemed incapable of (whether true or not). The only professions available to unmarried women, governesses and teachers, promised a very meagre means of support. Therefore, the only way to ensure that your daughter lived a happy healthy life was to marry her off well.
So, marriage in the beginning was very necessary for families with daughters. There was an entire process of courtship including the express blessing of the bride's father required to obtain a woman's hand. The concept of a dowery was used. Rich families would include a gift offered to the bride contingent upon a marriage. Since the wife was considered legal property of the groom; this would effectively sweeten the prize. Bachelors went out of there way to appear morally and religiously righteous so as to be eligible for the most beautiful brides with the richest doweries. Their fortunes were “mysteriously” leaked so as to entice the interest of prospective father-in-laws. Girls who eloped on there own (particulary to members of the lower classes) were invariably disowned outright.
Woman were liberated by industrialization. A delicate woman with a modest amount of training using an industrial machine could produce hundreds of more bras or shoes or rounds of ammunition per day than the most skilled and trained 18th century craftsman. This fact would have remained blissfully unknown were it not for the rise of Naziism in Germany necessitating the US to draft the largest ever female workforce in history in 1942. The cat is out of the bag now; so there is no cense in lamenting this any further.
But, what I do not understand about the modern world is why no-fault divorce was inacted. When I enter into any number of contracts, from employment to real estate, I am expected to respect the party I work with by abiding by rules of conduct explicitly dictated by the agreement. Failing to do so desolves the contract, depriving me of its benefits and exposing me to liability for damages to the other party. But if I enter into the contract of marriage; well, anything goes. Adultery by either party has been rendered irrelevant. How is this possible? Why should I enter into a contract of monogamy with a single woman if she is not bound to abstain from adultery. And vice versa, why should she trust me? It is ludicrous. Why not remain a bachelor indefinitely and enjoy as many woman as I can con affection from?
Marriage has essentially been rendered non-binding. A more meaninful agreement would allow the victim of adultery to desolve the marriage and seek damages. Otherwise, it is a suckers bet.
bob said,
July 23, 2008, 2:12 pm
i am only 15 but i do have my own views on marrige now be