escape to insanity

First, I want to state that I intended to write this yesterday, but just didn't get the chance to do so. I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving holiday, enjoy the shortened workweek if you're fortunate enough to get off of work. Now… onwards.

My job is an hour away from where I live. Meaning, every morning I wake up at the crack of dawn — no, scratch that, not even the Sun is up yet — and head off to work. A one-hour commute, each way, five days a week. Except this week. Thanks, Pilgrims. I appreciate the holiday. In any case, that means I'm on the road a fair bit. At the very least, I'm in the car for two hours a day, usually more since I still have to do things like getting groceries and filling up my tank. So I have quite a bit of time to notice things. I decided to share a few of my observations and annoyances that I've picked up on in the last few weeks.

“First” Churches

I'm sure you've seen these. These are the churches that are named something like “First Baptist Congregation” or “First Assembly” or something like so. Why are they always “first” something or other? Has anyone ever seen a “Second Baptist Church” or a “Third”? I don't really understand why, first, these churches assume they're the first. I think there were a few before you. Second, what does “first” or “second” or “jillionth” have anything to do with your church?

I just don't get what the significance of the “first” is supposed to be. Isn't it a bit degrading to the next guy in line who wants to start a church? What's he supposed to do? Be creative? Please. Church founders aren't particularly known for being creative, unless you count coming up with fake religions. (and yes, I'm aware that FSM is a satirical religion, despite their “about” page.)

Eye-Level Headlights

It seems to me that no matter what time I get on the road, what road I get on, anything… I always get stuck driving right ahead of the truck with nuclear-powered headlights. These are the headlights they were using last weekend to shine deer in the faces before killing them. Actually, no, these aren't really even headlights. These are searchlights, billion-candlepower searchlights. And they're perfectly positioned to shine directly into my eyes. How is it that headlights can be that bright and positioned just so they blind anyone ahead of them? This works for oncoming traffic too, by the way.

Slow-Turner

This one actually has a couple different subcategories. First, there's the Early-Blinker. The Early-Blinker feels a need to use their turn signal at least 5 miles ahead of wherever they're planning on eventually turning. This person will switch on their turn signals way before you know there's even a turn coming up. Had you not seen them turn on the signals yourself, you might be led into thinking they're a clueless left-the-blinker-on-for-the-last-forty-miles driver. But no, they're just giving ample warning that they'll be turning in another few minutes.

Then there's the Full-Stop Turner. These people are unable to make rolling turns in any form whatsoever. They will bring their vehicle to almost a complete halt before turning the wheel and slowly nudging the gas pedal to start the car moving in a turning fashion. This person is oblivious to the line of cars behind them, some of which doubtless narrowly avoided crashing into each other when traffic came to a screeching halt to allow Full-Stop to make their turn.

Keep in mind these are not separate categories, these are merely classifications. Drivers can and often do fall into multiple classifications — they'll signal ten minutes early to announce they want to turn at the first cross-street in town (even though you're still on a highway with no sign of civilization), and then they'll take their sweet time making that turn.

Slow-Movers

There are things called speed limits. You'll see them occasionally hanging out on the sides of roads all over the place, trying to tell us how fast we're supposedly allowed to go on any given road. Sometimes they're reasonable, sometimes they're flat out ridiculous. That's not really the point. The point is, there's also minimum speeds. Sometimes these are posted, sometimes they're not. Even when there's no posted minimum, you need to keep with the flow of traffic.

If you're on a busy highway, especially one where the majority of the traffic is used to going at least 60mph, you need to keep that in mind. Let's just say, for the sake of argument — this is most definitely not based on that idiot trucker I got stuck behind while driving home yesterday — that you're a truck driver. Let's just assume that you know your truck can only move so fast. Why would you then pull out onto a highway where the cars are moving upwards of 65mph and then slow down to 45mph? Forty-five. This truck… in theory, of course… was moving 20mph slower than any of the other cars. It's particularly obvious when you look back behind the truck and see a line of traffic stretched out for 15 miles, crawling along because of this one truck, and then look forward and see nothing for miles ahead. All the cars lucky enough to be ahead of that truck have long since moved on, probably even gotten to their destinations. Dude in the truck, just pull over and let the cars pass. Some might even signal to you, and it probably won't be the “honk your horn” signal.

Edit: I should add that this is on a single-lane highway, most of which is so curvy and twisting that it's no-passing zones about 90% of the way.

Bathroom Readers

You know what I'm talking about. People who go into the bathroom with a magazine or newspaper under their arm. These people will not be coming out anytime soon. What I don't understand is, why do you have time to read a newspaper in there? If you're sitting down with enough time to pick up the latest Time or Rolling Stone or whatever you have in there, then you're done. You no longer have a need to be in the bathroom. Finish up, wash your hands — for the love of all that is even somewhat sacred, wash your hands with soap and water — and get out. If you want to read, go to your living room and kick back on your La-Z-Boy. Who knows, it might even save your life.

That's all I've got for now. I'm about to head out, back on the road to my parents' place for the traditional Thanksgiving gorging. Hopefully the tryptophan won't completely knock me out.